I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. 
Tomorrow's not looking good either. 

I love deadlines. 
I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 

Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car. 

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through 
a suitable application of high explosives. 

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 

Accept that somedays you're the pigeon, and somedays you're the statue. 

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. 
If he isn't there the first time you need him, 
chances are you won't be needing him again. 

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and 
thought to myself - "Where the hell is the ceiling???" 

My reality check bounced. 

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 

I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier... 

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through Peanut Butter! 

Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, 
you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 

Everybody is somebody else's wierdo... 

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

Always try to be the best, but don't ever think you are the best. 

Money is a good servant, but a bad master.

People in glass houses should always wear clothes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Never clean your room while your plane ticket is in it.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Be careful whose toes you step on today, 
they might be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Simplicity of character is the result of profound thought.

When ideas fail, words become very handy.

You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 

Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism. 

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. 

No matter where you are, thats where your at. 

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 

Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. 

Never argue with an idiot. 
They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. 

It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married. 

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm 

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. 

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. 

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

Never put your finger where you wouldn't put your nose. 

Common Sense is very Uncommon. 

When the pupil is ready, the teacher will come. 

He who laughs last didn't get the joke. 

Where ever you go, there you are. 

The things that come to those who wait may be the 
things left by those that got there first. 

In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.

There are two kinds of people in the world, 
those that think there are two kinds of people in the world, 
and those that know better. 

We occasionally stumble over the truth, 
but most of us pick ourselves up and hurry on as if nothing happened. 

Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same. 

He who bites his own dog barks last. 

Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man heathy but socially dead. 

If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly. 

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. 

Nothing has value but that which you grant it.

To meet an old friend in a distant land is like refreshing rain after a long drought.

Intelligence is like underwear, everyone should have it, but we shouldn't show it off.

When someone points skyward, it's the fool the looks at the finger.

On the road of life, there are windshields and there are bugsplats.

Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old; seek what they sought.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Neither should they nail up pictures.

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the ass.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.

An agreeable person is someone who agrees with you.

The best things in life aren't things. 

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. 

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent. 

There are no passengers on spaceship Earth- we are all the crew. 

The wonder of a single snowflake outweighs the wisdom of a million meteorologists. 

There are no strangers in this world, just friends we've never met. 

We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing. 

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 

Who gossips to you will gossip of you. 

You always find something in the last place you look. 

You can't help the poor man by destroying the rich. 

You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. 

If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of your heart. 

It is better to regret something you did, rather than to regret something you didn't do. 

It is better to sleep on what you intend doing than to stay awake over what you've done. 

It is easy to be flexible when one is spineless.

Live such that when you die, even the undertaker will be sorry. 

Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value. 

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 

Never anger a dragon, for you are crunchy and you go well with Brie. 

Sometimes it's easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission. 

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. 
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Believe those who are seeking truth, doubt those who find it.

Think twice before you speak, especially if you intend to say what you think.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

It is best not to swap horses while crossing the river. - Lincoln 

Live dangerously and you live right.

Character, like good soup, is made at home.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; 
teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Be exceedingly humble, for the fate of man is but the worm.

Add life to your years, instead of years to your life.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 

It is hard to stumble when you're on your knees. 

It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite. 

It is nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice. 

Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the soul of genius.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

"Wise man make proverbs but fools repeat them."

A person whose heart is not content is like a snake 
which tries to swallow an elephant (Chinese proverb)

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.